2008 Woodie Awards
Couples without borders
Chelsey Pieretti
Issue date: 3/31/08 Section: Sex
It's 9 a.m.
His first class won't begin for another four hours, but Jeremy Parker is awake and making his way to the first floor lounge of West Village B. The room is empty, so he takes the squat blue armchair at the furthest corner and props his Macbook on his lap. He clicks his mouse a few times and soon a familiar face appears on the screen, smiling.
It's a face he doesn't see nearly enough; a face he smiles back at immediately.
He greets his girlfriend: "Hey, Mariko, what's up?"
Mariko Okamoto reciprocates, giddy and sipping coffee from her home in Tokyo.
In Japanese, Okamoto launches into a description of the episode of The OC she just watched.
"It's a TV show," whispers Parker, a 22-year-old senior history major at Northeastern, playfully cupping his hands around his mouth. "It's not real."
She giggles, tells him she knows and asks him how long it will be until they see each other.
He checks the calendar on his computer and looks back to her with a glint of hope in his eyes. "Three weeks," he says.
For some of Parker's peers, attempting a serious relationship in college is a feat in and of itself. But Parker, who met his girlfriend while on co-op in Japan, reaches far beyond in the level of devotion he is ready to commit to his partner.
He is willing to wait up to six months at a time to see her in person, because that's what's most accommodating to each of their schedules as full-time undergraduates. He is willing to wake up every morning between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. because that is the most agreeable time considering the 13-hour time difference that separates them.
It may seem like Parker's situation is rare, but the distance that separates him and Okamoto simultaneously unites the two with numerous couples across the country and around the world.
Neil Friedman, a clinical psychologist who earned his Ph.D. at Harvard and has his own popular relationship advice website, called Relationship-Talk.com, has noticed more and more of these relationships cropping up. He sees good reason behind the trend.
"Long-distance relationships are more prevalent than ever because the world is shrinking," he said. "The Internet and text messaging allow people to be in India and Seattle and still be in as much contact as if they are both in the same city."
And it's no wonder many college students, like Parker, find themselves in these situations. Universities welcome students from all around the world, creating an environment in which students want both to meet new people and maintain relationships with their loved ones back home.
In this way, college is a natural haven for long-distance relationships to be created or sustained. But it's also a place of new freedoms and fresh starts - a place that can test the willpower of those trying to blend their past with their present.
Halfway through his hour-long talk with Okamoto, Parker is focused on the day ahead of him.
Okamoto asks about his schedule, and counts off on his fingers.
"Let's see," he starts. "Today I have math, I'm going to go get food and groceries and I'm going to make my presentation."
The conversation turns Okamoto's way and Parker sits in silence, listening to her. It's apparent by the way he fiddles with his hands and neck, and maintains a small smile as he watches her, that for him the next three weeks can't pass quickly enough.
Together, apart
"Damn, I Miss My long-distance Lover."
"Chocolate Fills the Void Left by My long-distance Relationship!"
These aren't the titles of comic romance novels or tongue-in-cheek self-help books - they're the names of Facebook groups that boast hundreds of college and college-aged members, united to support one another.
It's often expected that the college-aged demographic is generally not mature or prepared enough to seek out committed relationships and willingly take the necessary steps to maintain a loving bond in a healthy way. But research shows that college-aged young adults are often most likely to engage in serious long-distance relationships.
Dr. Gregory Guldner, author of "Long-Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide," said that much of the data on long-distance relationship has been gathered from research with college students, not only because they are a widely and easily studied group, but because long-distance relationships are overwhelmingly common in the college world.
"By and large, it is much more of a norm in college students than it is in other populations," Guldner said. "Other than the military population, college students are most likely to get support from their peers."
Although the support of peers is helpful in maintaining personal contentment while facing the pressures of being separated from a significant other, there are also many professionals who are trained to aid these individuals in coping with the problems they'll face in their relationships.
Therapists, coaches and even mental health professionals can help either member of the couple, or both, explore what needs to be done to ensure their bond stays exciting and strong.
With low, usually limited, income, students might not find these options preferable, but some universities provide affordable - or free - access to counselors to guide them through relationship issues.
"If [students] are having a difficult time adjusting to the separation, or feeling concerned about it, and it's interfering with their school work, they can schedule an appointment to see a mental health counselor at the [Health and Counseling Center]," said Diane Hansen, a psychologist at the center, and the director of behavioral health at Northeastern. "Chances are, for that kind of issue, they could be seen here for a brief period of time."
But in areas where college students are stereotypically expected to excel, like socializing, students juggling long-distance relationships often appear to suffer.
"One of the things we find is that they have a little more problem with isolating themselves from others," Guldner said. "What happens is that they will withdraw from a support group, and that support group will stop inviting them to do things. We see that relatively frequently."
Despite the troubles or triumphs that occur, there remains no doubt that there are a great deal of college students who are capable of being in geographically distant relationships and are up to the challenge.
Larry James suggests it isn't a matter of their age, but the overall maturity level of any given person. The professional speaker and relationship coach said he believes there are many different stages of experience among college students and that those ultimately determine their potential success rate in a long-distance relationship.
"It depends on ... just understanding what's going on," he said. "You know, we don't have relationship school."Â
Seeing green
In Shakespeare's classic play "Othello," the character Iago warns, "O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; it is the green-eyed monster."
In classic literature or on contemporary college campuses, jealousy can sneak its way into any relationship. But when two people are separated from one another for extended periods of time, it seems natural to assume the eye might wander.
Guldner is quick to alleviate such fears, citing research he's done that shows exactly the opposite.
"People tend to worry more that they might cheat or that their partner might cheat, but studies show that that's actually not true," he said. "There have been studies that have looked at the instances of affairs and all showed the same thing-there's no increase at the rate of affairs in long-distance relationships compared to geographically close."
But these types of statistics don't necessarily ease the qualms of those involved in such relationships. Instead, they tend to think that seeking immediate physical connections when a partner is far away is a likely inclination.
Avery Mehlhorn, a sophomore business major from Maine, admits jealousy can be a terrible strain on her relationship with her boyfriend Jake Jasse, a University of New Hampshire freshman from Santa Barbara, Calif.
"Jealousy can definitely be a big part of [your relationship] if you let it, but if you're really honest communicating with the person they'll never feel the need to be jealous," Mehlhorn said. She then added with a laugh, "It really helps that my best friend is a gay man."
Betsy Bergquist, who runs a relationship workshop, called Imago, that travels up and down the East Coast, said jealousy does not reflect a problem with the couple, but whomever in the relationship is feeling it.
 "That's really where trust comes in," Bergquist said. "Jealousy comes in regardless of whether [a couple] is together or not together. It's about yourself rather than about the other person. Of course they're looking at other people-we're human, we're always looking at other people. It's the interpretation we give it when our partner is looking at someone else."
James said that in order for cheating to occur, one of the partners must not be getting certain needs met within the relationship. Geographically separated couples can run into such difficulties somewhat easily because distance helps worry manifest, he said.
"The longer you're apart without seeing each, the harder it is to maintain that relationship without suspicions coming up," James said. "Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems. Disappointment leads to anger, frustration and resentment."
Communication is key
Sometimes keeping the romance alive in a long-distance relationship takes a lot more than steps in the right direction. True commitment and devotion are necessary to keep that spark alive, and so is open communication and the maintenance of a life outside the relationship.
For some couples, communication is a no-brainer. Dan Artiges, a sophomore architecture major, has been in a long-distance relationship for about a year and a half with his hometown sweetheart, Liz O'Neill. Although, he admits "face time" with his girlfriend is crucial for him, he communicates with her in as many ways as possible.
"We talk every day-on the phone, text messaging," he said. "Throughout the day, maybe two hours."
Artiges' attitude is the type that relationship therapists recommend for keeping a long-distance love affair healthy. But Guldner recommends taking things a step further. To him, it's critical to incorporate both serious and trivial elements of conversation into regular communication
"When we look at phone calls and letters, what we find is that geographically separated couples do really well at sharing emotion. In fact, they do it better than geographically close relationships," Guldner said. "But they tend to downplay the importance of seemingly trivial conversation that happens in geographically close relationships. Those little pieces of conversation are what cements the intimacy between two people."
Opposite this intimacy is another important aspect to maintain-a life outside the relationship. Friedman said distance can actually have a positive influence in that it keeps couples from being joined at the hip. When the option of constant unity is available, people will often argue about how much or how little time they want to spend together, he said.
"Khalil Gibron said, 'let there be spaces in your togetherness' and the long-distance-relationship can in fact force there to be such spaces," Friedman said, referencing a Lebanese poet from the 1960s.
If couples can manage to balance each of those important elements in their relationship, not only can distance be significantly less painful, but also healthy for the connection the partners share, Friedman said.
Relationships take work
Long-distance-relationships are ultimately what people make of them. If both people are optimistic, on the same page and completely aware of what they are in for, the chances of everything working out are good. On the other hand, if each member of the couple wants different things and they can't express their needs to one another, or agree on how to make one another happy, then making it work can be extremely difficult.
Erica Jacoby, a business major, and Nora Ashley Bolton, an international business major, are both sophomores. Jacoby began this term in a relationship with Rob McDonald, a love interest from home whose military unit had recently been transferred to Japan. Bolton started the year dating a boy she'd met and fallen for during the summer. He stayed in their home state of North Carolina when Bolton returned to Boston.
Bolton's seven month affair ended at the close of November, a struggle that left her wary of long-distance relationships.
Curled up on a leather couch and leaning on her roommate for support, Bolton said, "I would never do it again. It's too hard. In the end, it just does not work."
She recounts his inability to vocalize emotions, and her struggle to thrive in the relationship with an absence of physical closeness.
Meanwhile, Jacoby and her boyfriend are still together, though she isn't sure the next time she'll see him. They talk and visit each other as often as possible, but due to the privacy concerns and unpredictability of the military, planning ahead is hard, and coping with the distance even harder. But she has faith, she said.
"I think that more than anything he's the closest person to me and I can't imagine my life without him," she said. "I've thought about letting him go and moving on, but that just isn't even an option in my mind when I think about it because I can't even imagine not having him to talk to."
She isn't sure of what will happen in the future or where her relationship is headed, but she is content, as she said, to deal with that when it gets here.
"I know I love him and that he's worth all the effort I'm putting into this relationship," she said.
Ultimately, long-distance relationships are the same as any other relationship-there is no manual as to how to survive them, only a list of lessons learned and a collection of hopes for the future.
"Long distance relationships are difficult, but on the other hand all relationships are difficult," Friedman said. "It is not a certain type of person, but a certain type of relationship agreement between persons and luck that will determine whether a long-distance relationship works."
His first class won't begin for another four hours, but Jeremy Parker is awake and making his way to the first floor lounge of West Village B. The room is empty, so he takes the squat blue armchair at the furthest corner and props his Macbook on his lap. He clicks his mouse a few times and soon a familiar face appears on the screen, smiling.
It's a face he doesn't see nearly enough; a face he smiles back at immediately.
He greets his girlfriend: "Hey, Mariko, what's up?"
Mariko Okamoto reciprocates, giddy and sipping coffee from her home in Tokyo.
In Japanese, Okamoto launches into a description of the episode of The OC she just watched.
"It's a TV show," whispers Parker, a 22-year-old senior history major at Northeastern, playfully cupping his hands around his mouth. "It's not real."
She giggles, tells him she knows and asks him how long it will be until they see each other.
He checks the calendar on his computer and looks back to her with a glint of hope in his eyes. "Three weeks," he says.
For some of Parker's peers, attempting a serious relationship in college is a feat in and of itself. But Parker, who met his girlfriend while on co-op in Japan, reaches far beyond in the level of devotion he is ready to commit to his partner.
He is willing to wait up to six months at a time to see her in person, because that's what's most accommodating to each of their schedules as full-time undergraduates. He is willing to wake up every morning between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. because that is the most agreeable time considering the 13-hour time difference that separates them.
It may seem like Parker's situation is rare, but the distance that separates him and Okamoto simultaneously unites the two with numerous couples across the country and around the world.
Neil Friedman, a clinical psychologist who earned his Ph.D. at Harvard and has his own popular relationship advice website, called Relationship-Talk.com, has noticed more and more of these relationships cropping up. He sees good reason behind the trend.
"Long-distance relationships are more prevalent than ever because the world is shrinking," he said. "The Internet and text messaging allow people to be in India and Seattle and still be in as much contact as if they are both in the same city."
And it's no wonder many college students, like Parker, find themselves in these situations. Universities welcome students from all around the world, creating an environment in which students want both to meet new people and maintain relationships with their loved ones back home.
In this way, college is a natural haven for long-distance relationships to be created or sustained. But it's also a place of new freedoms and fresh starts - a place that can test the willpower of those trying to blend their past with their present.
Halfway through his hour-long talk with Okamoto, Parker is focused on the day ahead of him.
Okamoto asks about his schedule, and counts off on his fingers.
"Let's see," he starts. "Today I have math, I'm going to go get food and groceries and I'm going to make my presentation."
The conversation turns Okamoto's way and Parker sits in silence, listening to her. It's apparent by the way he fiddles with his hands and neck, and maintains a small smile as he watches her, that for him the next three weeks can't pass quickly enough.
Together, apart
"Damn, I Miss My long-distance Lover."
"Chocolate Fills the Void Left by My long-distance Relationship!"
These aren't the titles of comic romance novels or tongue-in-cheek self-help books - they're the names of Facebook groups that boast hundreds of college and college-aged members, united to support one another.
It's often expected that the college-aged demographic is generally not mature or prepared enough to seek out committed relationships and willingly take the necessary steps to maintain a loving bond in a healthy way. But research shows that college-aged young adults are often most likely to engage in serious long-distance relationships.
Dr. Gregory Guldner, author of "Long-Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide," said that much of the data on long-distance relationship has been gathered from research with college students, not only because they are a widely and easily studied group, but because long-distance relationships are overwhelmingly common in the college world.
"By and large, it is much more of a norm in college students than it is in other populations," Guldner said. "Other than the military population, college students are most likely to get support from their peers."
Although the support of peers is helpful in maintaining personal contentment while facing the pressures of being separated from a significant other, there are also many professionals who are trained to aid these individuals in coping with the problems they'll face in their relationships.
Therapists, coaches and even mental health professionals can help either member of the couple, or both, explore what needs to be done to ensure their bond stays exciting and strong.
With low, usually limited, income, students might not find these options preferable, but some universities provide affordable - or free - access to counselors to guide them through relationship issues.
"If [students] are having a difficult time adjusting to the separation, or feeling concerned about it, and it's interfering with their school work, they can schedule an appointment to see a mental health counselor at the [Health and Counseling Center]," said Diane Hansen, a psychologist at the center, and the director of behavioral health at Northeastern. "Chances are, for that kind of issue, they could be seen here for a brief period of time."
But in areas where college students are stereotypically expected to excel, like socializing, students juggling long-distance relationships often appear to suffer.
"One of the things we find is that they have a little more problem with isolating themselves from others," Guldner said. "What happens is that they will withdraw from a support group, and that support group will stop inviting them to do things. We see that relatively frequently."
Despite the troubles or triumphs that occur, there remains no doubt that there are a great deal of college students who are capable of being in geographically distant relationships and are up to the challenge.
Larry James suggests it isn't a matter of their age, but the overall maturity level of any given person. The professional speaker and relationship coach said he believes there are many different stages of experience among college students and that those ultimately determine their potential success rate in a long-distance relationship.
"It depends on ... just understanding what's going on," he said. "You know, we don't have relationship school."Â
Seeing green
In Shakespeare's classic play "Othello," the character Iago warns, "O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; it is the green-eyed monster."
In classic literature or on contemporary college campuses, jealousy can sneak its way into any relationship. But when two people are separated from one another for extended periods of time, it seems natural to assume the eye might wander.
Guldner is quick to alleviate such fears, citing research he's done that shows exactly the opposite.
"People tend to worry more that they might cheat or that their partner might cheat, but studies show that that's actually not true," he said. "There have been studies that have looked at the instances of affairs and all showed the same thing-there's no increase at the rate of affairs in long-distance relationships compared to geographically close."
But these types of statistics don't necessarily ease the qualms of those involved in such relationships. Instead, they tend to think that seeking immediate physical connections when a partner is far away is a likely inclination.
Avery Mehlhorn, a sophomore business major from Maine, admits jealousy can be a terrible strain on her relationship with her boyfriend Jake Jasse, a University of New Hampshire freshman from Santa Barbara, Calif.
"Jealousy can definitely be a big part of [your relationship] if you let it, but if you're really honest communicating with the person they'll never feel the need to be jealous," Mehlhorn said. She then added with a laugh, "It really helps that my best friend is a gay man."
Betsy Bergquist, who runs a relationship workshop, called Imago, that travels up and down the East Coast, said jealousy does not reflect a problem with the couple, but whomever in the relationship is feeling it.
 "That's really where trust comes in," Bergquist said. "Jealousy comes in regardless of whether [a couple] is together or not together. It's about yourself rather than about the other person. Of course they're looking at other people-we're human, we're always looking at other people. It's the interpretation we give it when our partner is looking at someone else."
James said that in order for cheating to occur, one of the partners must not be getting certain needs met within the relationship. Geographically separated couples can run into such difficulties somewhat easily because distance helps worry manifest, he said.
"The longer you're apart without seeing each, the harder it is to maintain that relationship without suspicions coming up," James said. "Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems. Disappointment leads to anger, frustration and resentment."
Communication is key
Sometimes keeping the romance alive in a long-distance relationship takes a lot more than steps in the right direction. True commitment and devotion are necessary to keep that spark alive, and so is open communication and the maintenance of a life outside the relationship.
For some couples, communication is a no-brainer. Dan Artiges, a sophomore architecture major, has been in a long-distance relationship for about a year and a half with his hometown sweetheart, Liz O'Neill. Although, he admits "face time" with his girlfriend is crucial for him, he communicates with her in as many ways as possible.
"We talk every day-on the phone, text messaging," he said. "Throughout the day, maybe two hours."
Artiges' attitude is the type that relationship therapists recommend for keeping a long-distance love affair healthy. But Guldner recommends taking things a step further. To him, it's critical to incorporate both serious and trivial elements of conversation into regular communication
"When we look at phone calls and letters, what we find is that geographically separated couples do really well at sharing emotion. In fact, they do it better than geographically close relationships," Guldner said. "But they tend to downplay the importance of seemingly trivial conversation that happens in geographically close relationships. Those little pieces of conversation are what cements the intimacy between two people."
Opposite this intimacy is another important aspect to maintain-a life outside the relationship. Friedman said distance can actually have a positive influence in that it keeps couples from being joined at the hip. When the option of constant unity is available, people will often argue about how much or how little time they want to spend together, he said.
"Khalil Gibron said, 'let there be spaces in your togetherness' and the long-distance-relationship can in fact force there to be such spaces," Friedman said, referencing a Lebanese poet from the 1960s.
If couples can manage to balance each of those important elements in their relationship, not only can distance be significantly less painful, but also healthy for the connection the partners share, Friedman said.
Relationships take work
Long-distance-relationships are ultimately what people make of them. If both people are optimistic, on the same page and completely aware of what they are in for, the chances of everything working out are good. On the other hand, if each member of the couple wants different things and they can't express their needs to one another, or agree on how to make one another happy, then making it work can be extremely difficult.
Erica Jacoby, a business major, and Nora Ashley Bolton, an international business major, are both sophomores. Jacoby began this term in a relationship with Rob McDonald, a love interest from home whose military unit had recently been transferred to Japan. Bolton started the year dating a boy she'd met and fallen for during the summer. He stayed in their home state of North Carolina when Bolton returned to Boston.
Bolton's seven month affair ended at the close of November, a struggle that left her wary of long-distance relationships.
Curled up on a leather couch and leaning on her roommate for support, Bolton said, "I would never do it again. It's too hard. In the end, it just does not work."
She recounts his inability to vocalize emotions, and her struggle to thrive in the relationship with an absence of physical closeness.
Meanwhile, Jacoby and her boyfriend are still together, though she isn't sure the next time she'll see him. They talk and visit each other as often as possible, but due to the privacy concerns and unpredictability of the military, planning ahead is hard, and coping with the distance even harder. But she has faith, she said.
"I think that more than anything he's the closest person to me and I can't imagine my life without him," she said. "I've thought about letting him go and moving on, but that just isn't even an option in my mind when I think about it because I can't even imagine not having him to talk to."
She isn't sure of what will happen in the future or where her relationship is headed, but she is content, as she said, to deal with that when it gets here.
"I know I love him and that he's worth all the effort I'm putting into this relationship," she said.
Ultimately, long-distance relationships are the same as any other relationship-there is no manual as to how to survive them, only a list of lessons learned and a collection of hopes for the future.
"Long distance relationships are difficult, but on the other hand all relationships are difficult," Friedman said. "It is not a certain type of person, but a certain type of relationship agreement between persons and luck that will determine whether a long-distance relationship works."
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