Huntington News

Issue date: 6/15/05 Section: The Inside

Media Credit: News Staff Photo/Aram Boghosian

In a wedge of Harper's Ferry in Allston, nestled between the tail end of the bar and the pool table, a bald thirty-something picked up an imaginary Gibson Les Paul and tuned it up last Saturday. However, this wasn't about having a few too many beers and making a fool of himself. This was a rehearsal.

After all, he had just over an hour to perfect his licks before an international search for the best air guitarist started in Boston.

"His face looks like this," he told his drinking buddies, stressing facial contortions as he fingered the notes to Poison's "Nothin' but a Good Time."

He is dressed as if he just left the office - a gray button-up shirt neatly tucked into black Haggar pants while the dotty growth of male pattern baldness peeks from beneath his shaved head.

Ninety minutes after crooning like Bret Michaels, this unlikely candidate strutted confidently onto the stage calling himself "The Package," despite the fact he was still clad in an outfit fit for a stockbroker.

Welcome to the Boston regional leg of the U.S. Air Guitar Championships, where one needn't have much more than imagination to win over a crowd.

The competition is in its ninth year and will conclude its third U.S. tour in Los Angeles next month with the crowning of a national champion. From there, the national winner will have the chance to compete for the world title in the competition's native country, Finland.

Media Credit: News Staff Photo/Aram Boghosian Grande Rock A Lot O, above, goes all out in his rendition of Ozzy Osbourne´s "Crazy Train," at the Boston leg of the U.S. Air Guitar Championship, held at Harper´s Ferry in Allston.

This is the first time the contest has stopped in Boston, but it's part of a growing trend as more U.S. cities are jumping at the opportunity to showcase their citizens' unique style of bending an imaginary whammy bar or wearing tight pants. New York City produced last year's world champion, MiRi "Sonyk-Rok" Park ("Sonic Rock"), who appeared on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" dressed in a school girl's outfit and wailing to Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher."

The local competition upheld the promises of Park's national TV performance, as 10 hopefuls looked to usurp the champ's throne. Although Boston hosted the event, one contestant trekked from Park's hometown after finishing third in New York City's competition last year. The oldest contestant, "Jammin' J-Bone" strolled out in a sparkly red halter top and nylon pants that showed a bit too much. J-Bone de-caped himself and played the solo to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody," even throwing in an air violin during the vocal "oohs." The judges, comprised of writers from local media outlets like the Boston Phoenix, took the bait and awarded him:  "six-point-gay," "six-point-halter top" and a six for the violin bow.

Six points is the highest rating a judge could give, although they rarely adhered to the rule book and often added bizarre decimals. Besides, the ratings were more a source of comedy than a basis for selecting the best contestants - in the end, they just chose their favorites and ridiculed the poor performances.

Occasionally, disrobing got the judges' attention. Contestant "Jaime Is Air Guitar" undress-ed from a business suit down to a red jump-suit with a shirt that read, "Lick My Legs, I'm On Fire." After performing a medley that included ZZ Top's "La Grange" and Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out," Jaime received tremendous applause and moderate scores from the booth.

Media Credit: News Staff Photo/Aram Boghosian

Also taking it all off onstage was Frank Gatsby, although he was greeted a little less warmly. After tearing his pants up the seams and everywhere but off, he appeared to play with himself onstage and wrapped up the performance by ripping his pants off altogether. He was left standing onstage sporting just a loincloth that read "Whammy Bar." The judges were more disgusted than appreciative of the performance.

The most entertaining portion of the night came when a contestant without the customary stage name took a spill in the midst of head banging. Rob Brown was throwing around his shoulder blade length hair about 20 seconds into a Pantera number when he stepped off the stage and fell onto his ribs on top of a speaker cabinet - hard. He bolted to his feet immediately and proceeded to point his finger toward the ceiling for the remaining 70 seconds, letting the audience and judges know he was "number one."

"That guy is metal as [expletive]," one judge exclaimed as he justified giving Brown a perfect score. "He probably shits iron ore."

Asked what it felt like to take the involuntary stage-dive onto a speaker cabinet, the 29-year-old Stoughton native responded, "It felt drunk [sic] ... I had Lager and beer and three shots of rum, and that's just the alcohol. I won't tell you about the rest."

He wasn't the only one laying it all on the line. Rock Greenwood, who was "rocking for two" after his buddy was booted from the competition by the club, fell offstage and onstage - including taking a swan dive from the drum stage face first into the regular stage. The judges rewarded his aches with high enough scores to qualify for round two.

Another top-five finisher, J.P. Regalado, who used the stage name "Grande Rock A Lot O," didn't need to take a spill to win over the judges. His costume earned the brownie points. Clad in a superhero costume with his name and a Starbucks advertisement on the cape, Mr. Rock A Lot O opened his eyes wide for Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."

"[Performing air guitar onstage] is like in between two shots of espresso and a No Doze on a two-day all-nighter," said Regalado, 28, providing an explanation for his Starbucks cape shout-out. "It's a little bit hallucinatory, but you know you've got to do it."

And then there were the bad performances. And of course, leading that group, there was The Package. After completing an interesting medley comprised of the John Wayne theme song, "The Ecstasy of Gold," and Peter Frampton's "Show Me the Way," The Package walked offstage to a disheartening reaction from the crowd.

He shrugged to his friends as he exited the stage and the judges gave him marks of four, four, and "four-point-tries too hard." Maybe The Package would have had a shot if he'd fallen off the stage. The judges ended up selecting Brown after his comical fall, sending him to Los Angeles next month. But the reaction from the audience gave the event's MC, Michele Cole of Lollipop magazine, the opportunity to make the comment that likely passed through everyone's mind.

"Hey now, lighten up, he's [an expletive] physician for [expletive]'s sake," she said, giving his outfit a quick up-and-down glance.

Imagination goes a long way at an air guitar competition. But on this night blunt observation reigned supreme.

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